If you have just found out that your partner has unwanted sexual behaviours that you didn't know about, we are so sorry for your pain. You will find our 'I have just found out!' page more helpful as it addresses these immediate issues. This page follows on from that, when the initial shock has lessened, but of course you may read this at any time. 

For each person who has experienced sexual betrayal the ’Pathway to Healing’ will look different. God has great compassion on those who have been hurt, we encourage you to join with the writer of Psalm 63 “I cling to you; your right hand upholds me.” Cling to God, even if only with the tips of your fingers and His strong, large, soft right hand will uphold you.          
We have collated some suggestions of what we believe are helpful steps on this journey. So, take your time and see what makes sense for you. Continue to reach out to your supports.
We would love to support you so please don’t hesitate to reach out.

Having someone to support you who has experienced sexual betrayal themselves can be very helpful. Your journeys won’t be identical but there is great support when you know that person really knows what this feels like. We have ‘Alongsiders’ who are willing to offer their support along with the other supports you have in place. 

Who’s in your boat?
Sexual betrayal can leave you feeling like you’re out at sea, lost and alone. You need a boat to get back to land and you need support people who can take an oar and help you row or row for you when you are exhausted. Are there support people in your life that you could give an oar to?  These would be people you trust, who provide helpful and constructive support and wisdom. It is up to you to choose who gets an oar in your boat. If there are people who know your situation but who do not offer wise advice or for whatever reason are unable to support you, don’t give them an oar. Having a team of good supports rather than just one or 2 means that they can row for longer, if they are away or not available there are others to offer support. If you choose to have an Alongsider they take up an oar in your boat as they offer support.
If you are a follower of Jesus, you may want to visualise giving Jesus the rudder, so he guides you to shore. What can you implement into your life, so you regularly let Him speak into your situation?

Your mental health is as important as your physical health. If you find your mental health deteriorating, please seek professional help – such as your GP. 
If you are feeling suicidal, please get help immediately.

To continue your healing journey, it is helpful to talk with a professional Counsellor or Psychologist about what’s going on inside of you.  
It is important to continue to prioritise your physical health as well, to make sure you are eating and sleeping well and having regular exercise. Physical exercise can be a helpful and healthy way to continue to release the tension and anger.  

Prayer ministry is a helpful part of the healing journey. It is safe and confidential. It helps to uncover false understandings that you might have; it helps you to be kind to yourself as you encounter God who is full of compassion towards you. We have found that prayer ministry works well alongside counselling. Contact Ali if you would like some prayer ministry.

We have already explained the importance of full disclosure but also the need to protect yourself by knowing what will actually be helpful and unhelpful for you to know.
Remember – there is no bleach for the brain.
If a full disclosure was fairly straightforward that’s great, you can begin your journey of healing, whether that involves healing the relationship or not. In situations where it is more complex, we have some good resources to help.

It can be hard to be living in the same house with your partner while you are on your healing journey. We recommend couples counselling to help you work through topics like – how do we communicate well in this time? How do we respond to each other when one of us is experiencing waves of emotion?
We highly recommend Sam Tieleman’s work, his podcast addresses the many issues facing the couple. His focus is pornography but applies to betrayal from any sexual behaviour. He does address men as the ones with the unwanted sexual behaviours and women as the betrayed, so if that is not the case for you and this will be unhelpful to hear please don’t listen.

After betrayal some couples continue to have regular sex, some even experience a heightened desire for sex whilst others choose not to engage at all. Either response is normal but safety and choice for the betrayed person comes first. 
If you are choosing to stay in your relationship and work on building trust, then at some point you will want to talk about sex.  
Please note some secular counsellors recommend watching porn or other unhelpful strategies that don’t address the core issues of betrayal. We would strongly advise against this. 
If you have taken a break from sex, yet sex was a healthy, intimate part of your relationship beforehand you may find that at a timing that feels safe to you, your partner and you engage in good sex again. But if sex was difficult in some ways and led to feelings of guilt, frustration or shame it would be worth working on this area as part of creating this different, healing relationship. It would be worth listening to some of New Communities Talking Sex Podcast as it aims to help couples to work towards good sex. There are lots of good resources recommended too.

Along with our 'For Yourself' section above....

It’s important for you to do some work around differentiation – how do you become your own flourishing person. If you don’t have a support person who can help you with this, it is worth seeing a counsellor. We recognise that this can be hard financially so please contact one of the pastoral team if this is the case.  
Some things to consider as you do this work are:

Leaving a relationship can be incredibly difficult irrespective of who has made the decision. Your interactions with your children, family, friends, neighbourhood and work may all be impacted by the separation. It is important to take this a day at a time and reach out to your personal and professional supports for help. Rebuilding your life including friends, social connections, work and leisure all take time.  
Your physical needs such as housing, schooling and work may take priority at first, but it is important to build social and leisure connections into your life when you are ready. As tumultuous as this time can feel, there will be a time when hope is renewed and your ‘new normal’ will feel easier.  

Following a relationship breakdown, there are many changes for your child/ren as well as you. It is important to consider your child/ren’s best interests and ensure their needs are being met too – this is not easy with so many changes happening. There are lots of resources online regarding parenting during separation that may help you at this time:

We’d encourage you to attend the annual Divorce Care Course run by New Community, for wisdom, support and encouragement – see the New Community App for details and contact people.