If you have just found out that your partner uses pornography, has had an affair, uses prostitutes or any other sexual secrets, your world will most likely be rocked, like an earthquake has just hit, upending all you knew and shattering any trust; it’s a betrayal and we are so sorry that you are in this position.  
Intimate relationships, (as you’ll see from this diagram) are built on honesty, shared truths, so when you discover that there have been secrets it makes sense that your whole relationship is shaken.

It’s very common for people who have been sexually betrayed to believe that this must in some way be their fault. It’s not your fault, even if things are hard in your relationship there was still a choice by your partner to engage in these sexual behaviours. Each person is responsible before God for their own choice. It’s not your fault. 
Many women received this false teaching...

Men, if you have been betrayed, you may question yourself – did I do enough, was I enough? You may be left feeling emasculated.  Your questions will particularly focus on whatever you have tied your masculinity to – did you not provide enough? was sex not good enough? did you not demonstrate your love enough? It is always important to be working on how we love others but even if things were difficult in your relationship your partners choice was their choice, it was not your fault.  

The nature of the betrayal will be different for different individuals and situations. This information doesn’t excuse the choices made but as you understand more about the nature of betrayal it can help you understand, again, that it’s not your fault.

• For many, their sexual behaviours are unwanted and are a coping strategy for dealing with inner pain. When these people engage in sexual behaviours but don’t want to be doing so, they’re ashamed of it, and a cycle of behaviours and shame begins.  To dull the pain, they turn again to sexual behaviours which bring momentary relief. The majority of unwanted sexual behaviours are not about sex; they’re a coping strategy.   

The majority of adults who engage in unwanted sexual behaviours were exposed to explicit sexual content when young.  

• For others, they want to actively engage in these behaviours, and either are unaware that this would have an impact on you, or deceive themselves, minimising and justifying their actions, or, they are not concerned about the impact this has on you. When your partner is choosing to stay with you and is not concerned about the hurt this might cause you, their behaviour is narcissistic and comes from a hard heart. 

 

• There are also occasions when people are manipulated into these behaviours. They have encountered people who have actively and intentionally chosen to seduce them, they may or may not have been engaged in any unwanted sexual behaviours beforehand. They have still chosen these behaviours in response, but didn’t go looking for them.

 It is possible to see elements of your partner’s behaviour in 2 or 3 of these points, especially if they compartmentalise their life. It may also be that you don’t see these elements in your partner. Everyone’s story is different.  
As stated above, these points don’t justify the behaviour but understanding the nature of the betrayal you have experienced, can shape the healing journey that you will go on.  

If your partner tells you that their behaviour was a one-off thing, we’re incredibly sorry, but this is highly unlikely.  
There is a lot of shame upon being found out and great fear of hurting or losing you and being found out for who they really are. It’s very natural for them to only tell partial truth. The aim of doing this is to protect, but actually this causes more harm. 
Sadly, a common occurrence when betrayal has occurred is ‘trickle disclosure’ when over time more and more is revealed or found out and each time it is revealed you are told that that is all, that's everything. This causes greater harm, as whenever you find out something new, you experience that earthquake of betrayal again, any trust that has begun to build, is shattered all over again and hope of repair fades.
If we are able to work with your partner, we will help them to understand this. But if that isn’t possible it is worth explaining this to them – that although it will cause immense pain now, you’re already in a place of pain and it will do less damage and harm in the long run if you find it all out now.

When people have been engaging in unwanted sexual behaviour for a long time or it’s complex, they may compartmentalize their lives so not fully know all that they have done. So, DON’T RUSH this.
You can feel that you need to know everything now – this is understandable, you don’t know what the truth is anymore, and you want to know. BUT it is better to do this slowly with support. Talk this through with a trusted person or professional or spend time considering what you really want to know and what you don’t want to know. There is no bleach for the brain – you cannot unknow what you know, and some details are unhelpful to know for your future wellbeing. So please don’t rush. There are people we can recommend to help with this process of disclosure if it’s complex.

Your health matters, please continue to take care of yourself. It can be very helpful to talk with a counsellor or psychologist to help you process all that you are going through.  
If there has been sexual activity with someone else, it is important to be aware of sexually transmitted diseases and worth getting checked out with your GP. Here is some helpful information - https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/sexually-transmitted-infections-sti 
It is helpful to work out ways to use up the energy of anger as uncontrollable anger can lead you to do things that you will regret later on. For example, physical activity is very good for channelling the anger in a constructive way. 

You may need to take time off work, or perhaps having work to focus on is a helpful distraction. It might however be a good idea to let someone at work know that you are dealing with some difficult personal circumstances and if your performance is affected then this is why. If your employer has access to EAP (Employee Assistance Program) this could be a worthwhile resource.  
Memory or appetite might also be affected. You may need to set yourself reminders to eat and drink and try and do so in a nourishing way as best as you can.  
Sleep is also highly likely to suffer.  Speak to your GP, trial listening to things like sleep stories, guided prayer or meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, relaxing music etc.
You may not feel like doing these things but your health does matter.

Are you safe remaining in your home? If not... 
If you are in immediate danger, call the police now 000. 
Here are some organisations to contact...

Please contact one of the pastors at New Community or your support person for additional support.

There will be times you are asked questions that can be hard to answer in the moment. It can be really helpful to think through what questions you might be asked and come up with some scripts, answers you can give. Ask one of your support people to help you come up with them.

We would like to help and support you on your pathway to healing whether it’s just a listening ear, practical support, recommendations, or prayer support.
 
This free course is very helpful in the first week https://www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
 
We will be in touch and provide you with further information to help you navigate the next steps.
 
Ali Box and the Pathway to Healing Team

Please contact Ali Box ali@ncr.org.au 0432 098 302 for practical support